Goodbye

 

This morning I dreamed I was peaking into a room full of adults; As if I was a small child that should be in bed, asleep. While I did not recognize anyone, I know that my father was there along with my grandparents and other relatives I didn't know. One became aware of my intrusion and sh shooed me out of the room, sending me back to bed, back to sleep.  The door closed gently but firmly. There were other dreams, just as odd and dis jointed but all were related some how.

I woke to my wife hugging me and informing me that my mother has passed away. I thanked her and said I knew, that I'd dreamed about it. The next hour was predictably painful and cathartic. We discussed the previous plans for today, she assuring me that we did not need to keep those plans. I thanked her and insist on keeping those plans; Sunrise over Diamond Head and a Luau on Waikiki.

I feel I must keep to the path, absurd as it may seem. To one side is a wallow of self pity I'd justify as mourning. To the other side is the numbness of  disassociation, the temptation of substance I dare not indulge. On the path is my wife and friends and a vacation we've been planning and fighting for since before Covid. (This is in fact our 3rd attempt to get here.) I will stay the path. I will be present. I expect more tears, so be it.

I miss you mom. I know you are in good company. I look forward to meeting you again.